My Mother is Nuts

I started sharing some stories of things my mother has said with a few friends of mine.  These are a hundred percent true.  Enjoy!

Convo #1 

Mom (to me):  Remember Tracey Vanbeesriech?
Me: No. I don't know that name.
Mom: Sure you do. She was a good friend of yours when you were little.
Me: No, mom. I have never heard that name before in my life. I don't know what you're talking about.
Mom: Don't you remember? She lived the next street over.
Me: I remember being friends with Deb Tedford who lived a block over.
Mom: Oh, that's it. Deb Tedford.
Me: How did you get Tracey Vanbeesriech from Deb Tedford?
Mom: Tracey Vanbeesriech was a friend of mine when I was little.

Convo #2

(My mom and dad are sitting on the couch and my dad starts talking to me.)
Dad: So you'll have to watch that movie I burned off and brought out for you.
Me: I can't wait.
Mom: Oh, when you're done, I want to watch it. You can lend it to me.
Dad: When I burnt it off, I put in the English subtitles when the characters are speaking Spanish, but I didn't put any subtitles in when they are speaking English. Subtitles just take up so much room.
Mom: Why didn't you put in the English subtitles?
Dad: Because we don't need them.
Mom (confused): Then how are we supposed to know what they are saying?
Dad: Um, because we speak and understand English.
Mom (very confused): But you said you only put them in for the Spanish. How are we supposed to know what they are saying when they aren't speaking Spanish?
Dad: Because they are speaking English the rest of the time.
Mom (angry and confused): But there won't be any subtitles!
(Dad and I just look at each other and shrug our shoulders. Not sure how to get this any clearer)
[5 minutes go by and then ...]
Mom: Oh, do you mean subtitles? Why would you have Spanish subtitles and not English ones?
Dad: The subtitles are in English when the characters are speaking Spanish. 
Mom: Oh, you mean subtitles. You're talking about the subtitles.
Dad: Yes.
(Dad and I look at each other again. I nod and smile indicating that I am very well aware of the fact that he's already used the word "subtitles" many, many times)

Convo #3

(cell phone rings)
(Mom answers her cell phone and starts pushing buttons)
Mom: Darn, I couldn't push number 9 fast enough. It cut off.
Me: Who was it?
Mom: I don't know. They say I won a bunch of Airmiles. I just needed to push number 9 on my phone.
Me: Um, mom, you know that's phone spam; right?
Mom: It might not be. Visa called me the other day and said because of a purchase I made that I've won a free trip for two to Florida. Your brother and I are going. It's a week at a hotel in Florida, a week cruise to the Bahamas. It includes car rental and a couple of days at Disney World. I just have to pay for our flight. Oh, and I just have to sit through some presentation for some condo or timeshare or something for an hour.
Me: Mom, that's NOT Visa. You did NOT win a trip from Visa. Visa don't give a shit if you sit through a presentation or not. Tell me you didn't give someone your credit card info over the phone.
Mom (angry with me): They gave me the name of the company and I looked it up. They are a reputable business. I'm not going to discuss this any further with you. Why can't you just be happy that I won something for nothing?

Convo #4

(Keep in mind that my mother invited herself to come with us to the Zombie Walk after I told her last year that she couldn't come with us. It's a public event, so I can't actually stop her from coming.)
Mom: So are you looking forward to the Zombie Walk tomorrow?
Dad: Yes. Never been to one before.
Mom: Are you dressing up as a zombie?
Dad: No.
Mom: I guess I won't be either. Speaking of which, have you made out a living will yet?

Convo #5

[I can't remember this all word for word, but the gist of it is worth it.]
(Mom calls me on the phone out of the blue)
Mom: I'm going to be able to watch movies from the internet on my TV.
Me: Oh, you've got your TV hooked up to your computer, or did you get an Xbox?
Mom: No. 
Me: Well, how are you going to watch movies from the internet on your TV?
Mom: I need one of your boys to come over and help me hook up the keyboard.
Me: What?
Mom: I need them to hook up the keyboard to my TV so I can watch movies from the internet on my TV.
Me: Mom, you do understand that you can't hook up a keyboard to your TV and, even if you could, that does not magically turn your TV into a computer with internet access; right?
Mom: I've got to go.
(click. Dial tone)

Convo #6

Mom: Have you seen the movie Oh Brother Where Art Though?
Me: Yup.
Mom: Did you like it?
Me: Yup. I thought it was very entertaining.
Mom: I didn't like that movie at all.
Me: [I really should know better] How come?
Mom: I didn't like the part where they were killed and eaten by those women.
Me: When in the movie was that?
Mom: I thought you said you saw it?
Me: I did. But I don't know what you're talking about.
Mom: It's about halfway through the movie.
Me: If the main characters were killed and eaten halfway through the movie, who do you think was in the rest of the movie?
Mom: I don't know. That's why I didn't like it.

Convo #7


Me:  So I found out I have a brain tumour.
Mom: A brain tumour?  Where?


Convo #8

(Youngest son and I drop off Christmas present to my mom.)
Me:  They just came out of the freezer. You can pop them straight back into the freezer or leave one out to thaw out if you want.
Mom: Oh, the freezer? Is it food?
Me (smiling): Yes, it is.
Mom: Is it edible?